I guess for the first time in my life I am alone. By alone I mean no outside sources to distract me from finding God, from relying solely on Christ and getting to know myself.
I spent allot of time trying to make a toxic relationship work, so much time and energy went into keeping it from falling apart. The signs were there, God was there whispering in my ear that this wasn't my story, this wasn't my place and that I needed to stop loosing myself over this man. - I would pray and ask for guidance, for strength to know if I should just let go and move on. I spent years doing this. Years loosing myself and hurting myself over someone who couldn't even care less about me. But I finally found the strength, I finally listened to what God had put on my heart and I left. That's the thing about being in a relationship with a toxic person, they make you think YOU are the one who is crazy, they make you think that you normal feelings are over reacting, they make you doubt yourself, your beliefs, they tell you that no one else could put up with you or love you like they do because your too much work. You hear these things, and you start to think that they are true. Leaving is never easy, especially when you have grown so use to doubting yourself.
But I left, I used everything I had left in me and I ended it. Now, I'm forced to sit in the silence and listen to God. I was with someone for so long who laughed at me for wanting to walk with Jesus, someone who told me I was stupid for believing, so when I was finally free from him, I embraced God with every thing inside of me. I fully surrendered.
Everything that I relied on to hold myself up and to help me survive has been ripped right out from under me. All forms of security that I had tried to build for myself, gone. I really don't have family, I have my parents but they are so wrapped up in their own issues and I don't have much other outside support - I lost my ex's family when I left him, so I was pretty much on my own. - But that left me with Jesus. Which I have come to realize is the only one who can save me from the hell that I had drowned myself in. What an awakening that was! - Why didn't I see it before? God's grace has saved me. Not drugs, or alcohol, men, money, not my self-righteous efforts, but GOD ALONE.
When I recently started to feel defeated I just kept looking to God and he put it on my heart that he has only JUST STARTED his work in me. This is NOT the end of my life, this is JUST the beginning. By fully surrendering myself to God I have made room for him to do his beautiful work in my life and inside my soul. God has been waiting to open my eyes and I have been so blind! I fought to hold on to everything for so long, that in the end I had to be stripped of ALL of it to heal and finally be free. To finally be born.
Everything has led me to this very moment. There are no accidents, no mistakes. Like a beautiful painting, each brush stroke adding to the final product. WOW! How beautiful and inspiring. Each heart ache, each pain, each lesson has led me to this moment. Here. Now. This is my designed path, I may rest in the lord and know that I am NEVER alone. I never have to feel alone again, because jesus has taught me that I AM WORTHY, I AM LOVABLE, I AM WORTH IT, I AM BEAUTIFUL. I had to loose almost everything in order to see that God is all I really need. People can take from me, my money, my home, my relationship, my external comfort, but the one thing that they can NEVER take from me is the Lord.
This has all been God leading me to him. Into his arms, into his Grace. I am not a perfect person, I do not have all the answers, some times my anxiety and depression get the best of me but that doesn't mean that I am any less. I am beautifully created by God.